My wife is a brutally honest sharer of opinion and analysis when
it comes to me. Sometimes, it hurts my
feelings, generates offense on my part, but one thing I can always say is that
I am never unclear as to where she stands on any issue. The problem with my legendary ability to be
offended is that she often has wisdom and advice that I actually need to
hear. So I find it funny that lately,
over the last few months, she has seemed (to me anyway) less likely to “come at
me bro”… I just figured she was finally figuring
out that I’m the greatest spouse on earth, and that she has a dadgum WINNER for
a husband. What’s funny isn’t actually
funny at all. Which is the reason for
this post:
Three nights ago, unsolicited (although most of her opinions
are “unsolicited”, lol), she tells me that over the last six months or so, she
has noticed that I have an anger simmering under everything I do. She was quick to point out that it hasn’t manifested
as a hotter temper or other behaviors that have plagued me throughout much of
my life, but that it is noticeable in many facets of my daily life. From taking offense at the way Diego takes
too long to put his socks on, to general negativity about everything around
me. She tells me, “I can tell you haven’t
been in your Bible hardly at all over the last few months. It’s obvious.”
So one can imagine, in my head I’m like “Psssh. Whatever dude, quit judging me!” but
something in her voice and the look in her eyes was so completely devoid of
judgement or condemnation, so I couldn’t really board the offense rocket like I
wanted to. It was like God whispered in
my ear and said, “If you won’t listen to Me, maybe you’ll listen to your wife”… She tells me how the music I listen to in the
shower is a barometer for where I am emotionally. I agree, music is literally part of almost
everything I do, and the shower is where I belt out the songs that fire me up
and dump the day’s stresses, etc. But
when I’m in a good place, my playlists for the shower will include classics
like Pink Floyd, The Who, Elvis, mixed with some contemporary Christian music,
etc. Pleasant stuff. She points out that I’ve been rocking what
she calls “screamo” (it’s not screamo, that stuff is for weirdos, I rock the
old school metal and hardcore like Anthrax, Cro-mags, AF, etc) for months. She was so gentle about how she presented
it. I don’t know what went through her head
prior to the conversation, but it felt like she put a lot of thought and effort
into delivering this important message from a place of love and faith. She didn’t have to condemn or convict me, I
heard the message and convicted the ever-lovin crap outta myself. I think I’ve been faking it the last few
months. So if y’all would indulge me,
let’s look at what has been rattling around in the cavernous, immense void that
is my skull, and at the sickness that has grown in my heart, as I spent the
last few months going through my Christian motions while doing my damnedest to
avoid real pursuit of my Faith. I’m
going to present it from a “we’re all dealing with this sickness on some level
standpoint”, just to keep it relatable.
2020 was, for a huge majority of Americans, especially those
who are the same age as me or younger, the absolute worst year ever. A global pandemic that literally changed how
we live, work, learn, interact or engage in the world around us. Social and political unrest that threatened
(and continues to threaten) the very foundation of this Nation’s social, moral
and spiritual values. And in the midst
of all of this, our government, the “Legacy Media” and our 24/7 engagement via a
myriad of social media platforms has left what seems to be every single one of
the 315 million people in this country angry, scared and just plain
frazzled. None of these things in
conducive to emotional and spiritual fulfillment and peace. So I am certain that much of what I’m about
to say will resonate with most folks, whether they share my Christian faith or
my political and moral values. This will
be another look at how your worldview and your heartview require constant work
to balance, and how the pursuit of a relationship with Jesus Christ is really
the only way to make that happen.
Let’s look at Johnny Knuckles’ world view as I type this post. I HATE cancel culture and all who participate
in it or support it. I HATE the mob
culture and victim culture that justifies the rioting and chaos that has
plagued this country. I HATE that the
false narrative of racial genocide and systemic racism in law enforcement is so
widely accepted. I HATE that Joe Biden
and Kamala Harris got elected, and are now actively and overtly working to
subvert the Constitution. I HATE that a global
pandemic has caused such widespread restriction of how we live our lives. I am SCARED of what the pandemic and the
vaccines and everything involved still hold in store for us. I am SCARED of what may happen when the
George Floyd verdict comes in. I’m SCARED
of what will happen to this country when the left pulls off the agenda they’ve
been pushing for decades. I am PISSED
that George Floyd was killed by a cop who didn’t deserve the badge. I am PISSED
that ANTIFA was allowed to burn cities all over the country with
impunity while those on the opposite stormed the Capitol and are being jailed
by the dozens and charged with treason, sedition, insurrection, etc. I am PISSED.
Fear. Anger. Hate. Uncertainty
breeds fear. The natural progression
from fear, waaayyyyy down in our monkey brains, is anger. Anger is a defensive emotional response to
fear. But unchecked, unaddressed anger only
goes one way. Hate is the natural end
result of anger’s progression when left to nature. This is a fact. In every culture, in every religion, 200
years ago or this morning at breakfast, anybody who steps back and looks at how
this whole thing works, knows this to be true.
Even someone with love in the heart and a good person in their core,
even a child, can easily be turned into a seething blob of hate and discontent
when fear becomes the norm. And I can
tell you, I’m a big strong manly man.
Alpha. Sheepdog. Warrior.
And I’ve been living in fear for well over a year…
The United States of America that I grew up in is long gone, burned to ashes in a two decade whirlwind of moral decay, corruption, and division. What I thought was an incontrovertible, incorruptible moral foundation and framework as designed and built by our forefathers and defended by our grandparents and parents, was actually pretty fragile. Which, I suppose, is why so many have died defending it. Freedom, real freedom, and the American Dream require constant maintenance and protection. And since the early 1960's, although many have truly fought to preserve it, many more actively or passively worked to destroy it. And we let them. Today, in 2021, simply being born caucasian makes you a racist. Believing that there are biologically only two genders makes you a monster. Being a male makes you a misogynist. Working hard and earning a decent living makes you a capitalist oppressor of the downtrodden. Ok, off my political soapbox.
The fear that comes from not knowing what the future holds for my children and grandchildren is immense. The fear that my plan for growing old and how that all plays out is now totally up in the air as our country appears to have radically changed direction. Social and civil unrest, lies and corruption at the highest levels of government, enemies foreign and domestic overtly cheering the demise of everything I thought was correct and good... The confusion and anger at this sort of thing bleeds into my daily mindset, in relationships with my loved ones, my friends, my workplace. And it DEFINITELY interferes with my relationship with God, as I spend less time in my Bible and more time reading internet stories about the crapshow around us. Step one was easier than I thought it would be. I deleted my facebook account, and trimmed my Instagram feed. Within hours I felt better, at least now if I want to be lied to or censored or whatever, I have to seek it out intentionally...
So I had to make a choice. A radical change in direction for my life and how I live day to day:
Option One: Continue talking the Christian talk, but continue walking that secular life of anger and fear and frustration over the unknown future and the chaos of today. Let anger be my jam...
Option Two: Return to the Word of God as my refuge. Embrace the path and peace that He has laid out before me, for all of us. Place all of the fears and angers and negativity as His feet and take up His yoke, which is light...
So stay tuned for Part Two of this one, as I collect my thoughts and keep this one in prayer to make sure the message is biblically sound and functionally legitimate for our daily lives. It's gonna be good, I promise!!!
